Thursday, May 3, 2012

HOW TO GAIN WEIGHT SUCCESSFULLY


Todays class is entitled:  "How to Gain Weight Successfully and Water-down your Mid-morning Bowl of Berries 'n' Yogurt with your Tears."  

This is a multi-stepped process which includes the following:
  1. Spend several months growling and lashing out at large but inert piles of stuff belonging to one's beloved children
  2. Encounter slight guilt over feelings of elation at impending departure of beloved Child #2
  3. Become mildly stressed with impending return of beloved Child #3
  4. Take lots of Advil and/or Tylenol because of on-going shoulder and neck pain
  5. Don't walk for a week because of rain 
  6. Forget that you're 57 and exhaust yourself by slogging all weekend cleaning & organizing
  7. Refuel your exhausted 57 yr old body with non-nutritious comfort food like granola bars and grilled cheese sandwiches
  8. Spend your Sat evening laughing,drinking red wine and eat deliciously cute little sandwiches (sans crust) and rich decadent iced brownies
  9. Celebrate a birthday with lasagne, lemon cheese pie and more red wine
  10. Accidentally pick up 4 PP+ regular Kozy Shack rice pudding snacks instead of the 2 PP+ no sugar variety .... and then eat them all during your work week.
One or two of the above may not give you the results that I achieved.  But together, all 10 of the above steps should ensure a successful 1.6 lb weight gain just like I did.







If, on the other hand, you are wishing to avoid the above, here are some helpful steps to take:
  • Continue to demonstrate love to beloved children.  (And pray and pray and pray for them and you!)
  • De-stress your life as much as possible:  Breathe deeply, pray, meditate, rest and laugh.
  • Relish in the thought that the decluttering and organizing is done.
  • Resume your walking routine (and then soak those tootsies in that nice Avon foot soak)
  • Take your vitamins
  • Make sure you have an ample supply of healthy snacks and keep your eyes open when you shop
  • Drink water and eat one salad every day
  • Spend 6 days of your week sticking to your healthy regime and only ONE day indulging in your wicked eating desires.
  • Pray 'n' worship; and pray 'n' worship,

and possibly the most important 

  • pitch a big tent in the backyard, get the house keys from the kids, yell "Look!  There's free beer on the deck!" and lock the door behind them!


(Hahahaha!  Just kidding about that last one.


I'd never put the beer-bait that close to the house.


And I'll at least wait until the end of May when the temperatures warm up!)









5 comments:

Nezzy said...

You crack me up! You'd never put beer bait that close the house...heeehehehe!!! Live and learn baby!

Funny, funny post yet chucked full of great advice!

God bless ya sweetie, now go put on some Kenny G, light some candles and draw ya a nice warm bubbly bath and breathe....ahhhhh, now isn't this nice? :o)

Kay G. said...

And don't forget to blog everyday, for brain exercise,
And don't forget to jog everyday,
for physical exercise!

Oh yeah, and visit my brilliant blog for inspiration! HA HA
You are too funny.
Love,
Kay

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Only 1.6 lbs? Not bad, not bad at all. Have another grilled cheese.

"Auntie" sezzzzzz... said...

Ohhhhhh, you are going to do that 6-days-of-watching-what-you-eat-and-1-day-of-eating-more, too?!?

I used to have luck with that, years ago. Trying it again. Stuck in a plateau, in only the 2nd week though. -grrrrrrrrr-

Good luck! To both of us!

"No great thing is created suddenly."
~Epictetus

TARYTERRE said...

I haven't stopped chuckling. Very funny. BEAUTIFULLY said, though. Soak in a hot tub full of bubbles, with a bowl of fresh strawberries, nearby to munch on. Make sure you have confectionary sugar and sweet chocolate to dip them in. It will melt away your worries, your guilt, your frustrations. ENJOY! You made my day. Take care.