Tuesday, September 8, 2009


While viewing the blogs I missed last weekend, I came across a funny post from Joan of The Retirement Chronicles (http://myretirementchronicles.blogspot.com/2009 entitled "10 Things Not to do if You are a Woman and it's Your 50-something Birthday". Here's point 7:

7. And panties? Ok. Don't wear old lady bloomers. But for everyone else's sake, PLEASE do not wear thongs. You are gonna get back spasms from pulling out that baby from the Grand Tetons of your ass, and how are you going to explain THAT to the cute 30-something E.R. Doc?

Now, I have no problem with not wearing a thong -- I tried that when they first became popular and did not enjoy the flossing effect I achieved during the experiment: so, I've never gone down that road again! (I don't imagine it was particularly attractive for anyone else to view either ..... not that there's anyone else to view that particular profile on me!)

A few years ago after watching Britian's Auntie Gock on "How to Look Good Naked", I really took to heart when he said that any self-respecting woman needs to stay away from the granny panties, get rid of ALL our sad undies and wear something pretty. So, I immediately went to my underwear drawer and threw out all my full- waisted cotton Haines (except for 2 brand new pairs in pink and blue which I couldn't bring myself to throw out 'cause they were brand new). Then Iwent to my local WalMart and spent a lengthy 2-3 hours picking out some pretty, frilly, lacy boy cut type undies. But I took pleasure in the process because I imagined how even more beautiful I would look and how even more sexy and feminine I'd feel in these new panties!

Ahhhhh ..... did I mention that my last child was a C-section? And .... did I mention that I have one of those smiley-face bikini scars? And .... did I mention that any extra "junk" I carry on me is not in my trunk but in my front?

I was about 10-15 lb lighter then; and I'm pleased to say, that some of those panties were somewhat successful purchases. They fit me fairly well and stayed in place. But quite a few of them just didn't work out! After a couple of hours of doing such things as WALKING or (Heaven forbid) SITTING, those pretty little babies would roll themselves down and tuck themselves under my smiling C-line of jelly-belly; and no amount of tugging them up would keep them there. (Where can I get that double sided tape that J-Lo uses? And does it comes in extra-sticky?)

You know --- I'm a child of the 60's, raised to wear what are now called "classic" briefs -- up to your waist. I feel comfortable in those. I used to wear bikini undies, but never really felt comfortable in them. Nor did I ever feel completely comfortable in those somewhat successful undies I purchased a few years ago. (And now with the extra 10-15 lb, yeah, they just sit in my drawer and look pretty.) Haines are creeping into my underwear drawer again, ladies!

I'm a self-respecting woman! I may be aging, but Goll-darn it! I ain't dead yet!

And I have other underwear concerns! Remember what Mama always told us about wearing clean underwear in case of an accident? Well, I need to wear pretty underwear in case of an accident! Like --- how embarassing would it be for me to be caught by the surgical team wearing my ratty full-waist cotton Haines! Would I ever be able to live it down -- should I live from the accident? PLUS there's my industrial strength underwire bra that only comes in white or black not passionate pink or minxy mauve! Dang blast it! These things are not helping my chances in finding a husband who would keep me in the style to which I'm not accustomed!!
So I ask you -- what does a "full-figured" mature yet young-at-heart lady in the 2nd century of her life wear under her well appointed garments to both look and feel feminine, sexy AND comfortable? I know there are some of you over-50's out there who are 110 degree hot tamales! So fess up!!


Nezzy said...

Oh my girl, you are a funny one. This grandmother to eight ditched the granny panties several years ago. I think it was after I watched Bridgett Jones #1. I wear a modified thong, not the dental floss version. I have found that one with a little more fabric looks pretty and doesn't molest me. Even though wearing underwear in the Ozarks is optional, I lean toward the stretchy lace ones. Have fun shopping!!!

Frippery said...

OMG you are killing me. Some friends and I just had the C-section underwear magnet discussion recently. I found some modified boy shorts/spanx type undies that don't roll down to hide beneath the kanga pouch. They are a bit higher at the waist but by no means granny panties. They also give a sleek, no panty look under tighter clothing. However I can only afford one or two pairs at the moment. Someone told me they found similar ones in the "foundation" area at Wally World and Target. I am going on a panty hunt!

lynn'sgarden said...

LMAO...Sandy! It all depends on the outfit of the day, my dear! Or the function! Sure granny panties hold everything in place but then you gotta wear hose to hide the panty lines. Personally, I like the high cut bikinis and boy shorts...and have you tried SPANX..the new rage! Comfort and sexy don't go together..it's a bitch!

Rhondi said...

You definitely gave me a good chuckle today!!

Suburban Princess said...

Try Zellers!! They carry pretty boyshort kinda style undies but they have a higher rise so they cover what need to!

wendy said...

Oh man, that was soooo funny. I am still chuckling. What a dilemna for sure!!! They just don't seem to want to make "sexy - age appropriate" things for ladies our age eh. I want to be comfortable --yet it is so nice to feel "sexy". I like my Victoria Secret panties. fun colors and designs with still a little comfort.
Yeah, we can be old, but as you said "gosh darn it" still want to be a Hot Tamale.
thanks for your words of encouragement on my blog my friend. Greatly appriciated.

Kathy C. said...

Oh good granny gravy girl - YOU have me laughing! Thank you for that! :) LOLOL Glad you stopped by my blog today and entered my giveaway. :)

stampernancy said...

I am sooo with ya - 3 c-sections and a kidney donation - my dad said they should have put a zipper in the first time! - I like my cotton haines - just try the high cut leg - at least that feels alittle sexier!!

Donna said...

What a hilarious post!! I loved some of the images you provided to go along with your commentary! Sorry to hear that you lost your local IKEA. Ours just opened a few years ago, so this is a new treat for us! ... Donna

MissKris said...

Hi-cut briefs for me. Dunno why. I shouldn't judge thongs because I've never worn one but they just don't sound...clean...to me, being snugged-up close to the part of our anatomy that is...well...not so clean itself thru the day, HA!