Searching for a Merry Christmas

This meme came across my Facebook feed this weekend, and I thought "Yeah! This is exactly what I came to realize this Fall!"

I moved home 2 years ago and have experienced 2 miserable, sad Xmas seasons for me. I told myself that last year would be my last here in NL; but not having the finances to go elsewhere caused me to rethink things this Fall. And that's when the shoe dropped.

I now realize that my enjoyment of Xmas is up to me. Of course Xmas  here in NL is not going to be like NS -- different location with different people, different traditions, etc etc. My failure to recreate Xmas MY way does not mean that I can't enjoy Xmas in NL. It just means being open to what the season has for me here in my new life AND my creating new traditions for myself. 

So, I've been busy letting go of what was while I search for what's important to me and what I can create here. My stress level is way down, my spirits have been lifted and I'm actually really looking forward to Christmas again.

I know that for a lot of people, Christmas is extremely hard and no amount of trying to create a happy Xmas will make it happen. My heart goes out to those folks.

But for those of us who are alone and seeking for ways to participate in this season and find even a modicum of joy, I hope my ideas help. I'll share them over the next couple of weeks. And please feel free to share your thoughts on the same.

Autumnal and Canna- Bliss!

Well, unless you're living on another planet, you know that as of this past Wednesday, October 17th, cannabis is legal in Canada. I personally think that this is welcome news. I know it's wonderful for pain management, and I have many friends who have been using it for a number of years for everything from arthritis and fibromyalgia to skin cancer with fantastic results. I have no problem with people using it recreationally as well, but I'm super, super excited to see what medical research will uncover in the coming years. 

I've been quite busy with my 88 yr old father for the past month. He's in really good health, but like all of us going through the aging process, he has great ideas but little stamina to follow through all the way. So, we've made pickled beets together, racked his wine, flipped his mattress and re-arranged the bedroom, and hung out and laughed. He's such a character with a wild past and lots of great stories to tell.

I had another 2 week long bout of 'hiraeth' for Nova Scotia; I viserally ache for my other home, for the familiarity of daily life there, and for the people and the things we'd do together. July past marked 2 years back here, and I'm pretty sure that I'll stay put here in Newfoundland: I'm getting better at seeing and acknowledging the blessings of being home as well as acceptance for 'la différence'. But the nostalgia and longing still hit me ..... and so I mourn.

The leaves are almost all yellow now; the temperatures are colder, and I saw a sprinkling of snow on cars this morning that drove into town from the mountain. Brrr! The flannels are on the bed, throws on the couch and I'm wearing socks and enclosed shoes. (Drat!!)

But ahhhhh! There's such freshness and crispness in the air that I don't mind the change at all. Ciao bellas! Happy Weekend!

Spring Cleaning is in the Air!

Yes, it's only March 6th; and here in western Newfoundland, signs of spring are not easy to find. We did have a lovely weekend with warmer cold temperatures than usual. And joy of joy, nothing has been falling from the sky for almost 5 days. If I hadn't lived her before, I'd be certain that spring was on it's way. But alas, we have many more snowfalls in our near future, I'm sure.

Still, I had Friday off work so spring cleaning began in my house first with a thorough clean of the spare room as well as a cleaning and organization of my 3 bookshelves and my jelly cupboard (good dishes cupboard). Then on Saturday when I visited my Dad, his bi-weekly clean from me turned into a spring clean of the open-plan living/dining/kitchen. 

Doesn't it feel wonderful to have those big jobs out of the way. I love sitting back on my couch surveying the neat, clean space I currently inhabit. Ahhhhh!

My dad had previously given me a bottle of his homemade wine. Upon opening it, I realized that he was right -- this batch was not a good one and the wine was very, very tart! But I'm a frugal gal and not one to discard something just like that. So, I poured it into a glass jug, added 1/2 cup of sugar, an ounce of brandy, the juice of a lemon, lime and 3 oranges and then tossed in the cut up fruit. SANGRIA -- Nectar of the Gods! I took some up to my dad's house and he was most suitably impressed. (It was a good Sangria!)

At 63, I now realize that I cannot deep clean for 2 days in a row. Kneeling on floors to wash them and getting up and down on chairs and ladders to reach the high places! ..... I might have gotten away with one day but not two. My legs and tootsies were aching so much  Sunday morning. As I was preparing breakfast and every time I went to the bathroom I kept hearing my lower extremities cry out "NOOOO! Get off me!" So, a day of Netflix 'n' Chill with just a short walk in the sunshine was the sum total of my plan (which I executed well, I might add!).  I began Season 2 of "Broadchurch" (even better than Season 1) and 2 other new shows called "The OA" and "Glitch", both sci-fi type programs. 

BONUS: If you hold your phone above your head and click
 ... you look ever so much slimmer!

I'm also trying to spring clean my life with good food, extra care on my body and positive imaging of my mind. It's much harder to do than any living room, but hopefully the effects are more lasting! 

Gotta keep the positive vibes flowing, so I'd better be sure to "clean" all the pipes and pistons! 

Hope your week is full of sunshine, even if it's only in your imagination! Caio, bellas!

Vitamin D, Tea and Me

What with being sick lately, I haven't spent much time outdoors. And most days have been so cold that you only want to dash from car to building. Brrrr! Today is a warmer, calmer day: there isn't actually any snow falling from the sky! But where am I? In the office, of course, looking longingly out the window. 

I've been noticing myself becoming angry easier, grumbling while driving (because everyone else is an idiot!), and feeling a little down. Yes, I've been housebound; and the weather has been terrible. But let's be proactive here! This is MY health .... and I don't like it when I am an ogre. So what's to be done about the lack of Vitamin D?

Well, I turn to good ole Google to refresh my memory of what I should be doing. 

Key food sources of Vitamin D:

• Oily fish; salmon, sardines
• Orange juice
• Breakfast cereals
• Red meats
• Egg yolk
• Cheese 
• Tofu
• Fortified products

I'm good in the egg yolks and cheese department. I eat small portions of red meat; and I enjoy tofu occasionally. I eat fish weekly, but oily fish like salmon are an expensive treat. Orange juice gives me heartburn, but I have been eating at least one orange a day since I've been sick. I don't care for breakfast cereals, and they contain a lot of sugar and/or preservatives as do most fortified products. This site didn't mention Vitamin D drops as did others. 

My best defense is awareness, I suppose; remembering to increase my intake of these items this time of year. And trying to get outside as much as possible. Perhaps I'll pick up some lovely salmon today; I'm worth it!




In the meantime, I know where I'm having my tea break today....... 

Right here in front of the big office window.

Perhaps I'll dream of sunny weekends ...
and Spring.

Body Talk

Rabbit, Rabbit!

I know, I know; I'm late by a few days. But I've had a flu bug for the past week and my body has found new places to ache. Yes, in addition to my usual chronic back and shoulder pain, I now have pain in other areas. Like my knee. 

What's with the knee hurting? I haven't done anything to that knee that would make it want to treat me this way.  At least, not in almost 40 years. (Minor car accident in 1978; hit knee on gear stick.)  I've thought about this a lot; and I have developed a theory that any place that was hurt or damaged in some way in my youth WILL exhibit arthritis in my older age.  That's the only explanation I can come up with.  

Yeah, I know! But lately it's not using very nice language.
It was raised better than that!

"I treat you well," I tell my body. "Other bodies would be proud to be treated the way you are! I don't binge drink or do drugs. I don't race cars.  I eat healthy food; for goodness sake, I'm almost vegetarian these days. And I give you all the dark chocolate you could possibly want.  (Yeah, sometimes just to shut you up.) I breathe deeply; I get bi-weekly massages; we have lengthy, rejuvenating epsom salts baths together with candle light and wine, I would remind you! I pray and meditate. I try to give you gentle exercise so you don't hurt: you know, an occasional walk, a little yoga. What more could you want, for goodness sake? Blood? You've got it!"



You know, this feels like a huge betrayal to me. I'd break up with my body ................ but I'm not a quitter.  We're in this together for life.  But if we could only just learn to be happy as we grow old together.


I found this site How Can I Love My Body When it Continues to Betray Me?   It made some very valid points -- like my body is doing the best it can do and how I need to look for things about my body that I can love and really shift the focus on what it does well. Okay:  here goes.

I Love my Heart.
It works really well, my heart. Day after day for the past 60 years, it has done it's job faithfully.  Even though it overflows with love for certain people, it can miraculously always find room to fit in someone else.  It contains a huge space for love of life; and the love of laughter space is enormous.  It even has a fair size space for forgiveness and one for mercy.  As well, it's open to receiving as well as to giving.  
Yup, I LOVE my heart!

And ya want to hear even more good news?

 

Therefore, in reverse: 

Behind every kind of pain, there is some beautiful thing!  

DARLINGS:

I AM SO FREAKING BEAUTIFUL!

Missing Chapters in the Parenting Handbook

I've always thought I was a good mother.  I went into the job  eagerly and loved almost every moment of it.  (The many sleepless nights and being puked and pooped on weren't that much fun.)  And knowing that my 3 daughters know the goodness of their God, that they are kind, loving and are learning how to be responsible for themselves and their actions also speaks well of the way they were raised.  They are great kids, and I am extremely proud of them!


Mind you, I was far from perfect as a mother.  My lovely Ex got top marks on loving them and accepting them for who they were; I wasn't very good at that until experience knocked some sense into my head.  But then he was lacking in the discipline, consistency and expectation departments; and I was good at those things.  We balanced each other out, he and I.  

Then all too soon, he died; and I had to manage the job solo (with the love, support and prayers of family and friends). 

Very hard work alone!

So, when the last one graduated, I smiled and said to myself:

"You did it, Sandy!  No one is pregnant or in jail.  Good job!" 

 (High fived myself too.)

So, I should feel satisfied, right?  I mean, my life is good; there are no real reasons for me to feel distressed.

But often lately, even in the middle of my lovely life, and often even in the midst of people and busy-ness, I am overcome with nostalgia and longing for my girls.  I stop suddenly and think "OMG!  I need them!"  I don't want them home with me (one doesn't want to go THAT far!); but I want them "near".

I long to hear their voices.
     I taught them to strike out on their own and learn through making mistakes.  I taught them how to make good friends and to be a good friend; to find a job, to fend for themselves; to remember to take care of themselves physically and emotionally.  I forgot that all this would take time and energy which meant less of the same to be spent on Mama. 


I long to touch them.  
     I taught them to have dreams and to pursue them.  "Travel!"  I said.  "See as much of your world -- big or small -- as you can!"  I told them time and time again "Get off your arse!  Don't feel sorry for yourself; get out there and do, not just for you but for others too!"    But I was so busy teaching them to 'go for it' that I forgot that I'd still be here at home; and that their wonderful, busy lives meant that I wouldn't see them as often as I might want to.  

Did I miss some chapters in the unwritten parenting book?

You know:  the one that explains how to cut the apron strings without having them whip back and tangle me up?  Where was the part that showed me how to teach them to stay really connected to Mama while being independent at the same time?  Where was the chapter that would warn me that even when we're all of us grown and happy, I'd still ache to cuddle with them. 

Sigh!  

This aging process is difficult -- for me and for them as well, I suppose!  My babies are not babies any longer ....... which is good, because I can't do that again at this age!

But ohhhhh!  

To have them stop being adults for an hour or so and just let me rock them and nuzzle their sweet smelling necks!  

That might suffice! 

Empty Pockets / Full Heart? I'm tryin!

I finished my Christmas shopping on Wednesday by purchasing the gift cards for my kids.  It was a big outlay of ready cash, for me; but I felt pretty good that evening about having it done.  (Well, other than the chocky for the socks.)

Now, I don't know if your car is like the cars I've had/have.  But since I became a single parent, every time I spend any large amounts of money (large for me meaning several purchases over $100) ...... my car hears about it!  
Ears like Dumbo, it has!

I don't make a lot of money nor do I have a lot of savings.  But does my car care?  Nooooooo!  All my cars have only ever been concerned that they get their fair share of the money I seem to be throwing around.  (Not unlike my kids when they were younger!)

That simple little trip to the garage to have the snow tires put on turned into a minor panic attack.  "Breathe, Sandy!  Breathe!"  And at those times, any amount of logic -- like "This is the 1st time you've ever had to lay out money for your good ole dependable 10 year old Focus" -- Well, logic doesn't cut it during those times.  At those times, what a body needs is:

• a sugar daddy
• a winning lotto ticket
• a large vat of wine
• someone to hold you and tell you everything will be alright
• a friend who will whine and wine with you
• 10-20 lb of good quality chocolate 

..... ya know what I mean, right.  You want something to make you feel better.

- I tried crying .......... it didn't work.
- I tried screaming at the heavens ........ it didn't work.
- I tried thinking self-pitying "O Woe is Me!" thoughts ........ it definitely didn't work.
- So, I prayed!  (Why wasn't this my 1st counter-action?)       Then I cried some more.

Then I said, "Okay Sandy.  So what if you don't have a lot of money.  You do have enough to pay for this ... almost!  And yoiu have credit for the rest.  You'll be okay.  Just trust!  And breathe!  Have a glass or 5 of wine this weekend and a nice cuppa in the meantime.  And remember to breathe!"
    
 

Did it work?  

Well, not completely.  I still periodically have times when I want to go into my "O Woe is Me" mode.  But overall, I feel calmer about it.  

And I am going through the practice of counting my blessings.   Whenever I think of how financially strapped I am, I remember .......

It could be so much worse.

I think about countries that have experienced devastating calamady in the past few weeks.  I think of those who are really in need.  And then I remember:

I really am a blessed woman!

There.  I'm breathing again.

How do you mentally detox?

How many of you agree with this?

A couple of months ago, I discovered that one of the TV channels I receive was running old reruns of "The Waltons".  For those of you who don't know, "The Waltons" was an American TV series that ran from 1972 to 1981; the show revolved around a large family living during the depression era and dealt with the usual problems of raising children, making ends meet and family values.  

I remember liking the TV series in the 70's.  It wasn't so sacrine-sweet that it presented a false picture of familial perfection.  What I really liked was that in spite of the faults and foibles of the family, there was an undercurrent of deep love and acceptance.  There was a working through of problems; and no one had to say the F word to make a point.

These days, I find myself looking forward to sitting on the couch after dinner to watch those long-forgotten reruns.  I not only unwind from the hussle and bussle of my very busy day, but it seems to set me right again -- to put me back in touch with the things I value most:  family, love, acceptance and the little things in life being the important things.  It doesn't matter that I don't have a new car or that the living room carpet is badly worn or that my winter coat is not this year's style.  I have a home and a wonderful family and a great God and a few good friends.  I have it all!  



TV reality is an oxymoron, isn't it!  For most of us, it's not our reality.  We don't live like The Kardashians; we don't have it in us to compete in The Amazing Race or Survivor; and we aren't shaped correctly for America's Next Top Model.  Why the heck do they consider it reality TV?  But millions of people watch it for its entertainment value and it takes us out of our own sometimes stressful reality.  So, I'm not knocking it.



All I'm saying is that when I look at what's offered on television today -- the good and the bad -- there's a dearth of wholesome, full of love, build-us-up programs.  Why, I don't know if there are any if we take out the few family-centred comedies on TV.   

So, I for one say YES!  We need more Mayberry on TV.   

And if I have to find it in reruns, so be it. 

What I'm thinking......

• I'm thinking how lucky I am to have such wonderful international students.  We had a day of wandering and eating in the city on Saturday -- little unique shops on side streets, some of the best sushi I think Halifax has to offer (B-Well Shushi Cafe on Quinpool Road); Korean b-beque (2 hours of a carnivores delight plus the girls did all the grilling for me.)  What a fabulous day we had!

• I'm thinking about Remembrance Day which reminds me of my paternal Grandpa.  He was such a joy to be around -- happy, lively, loving.  After I moved away from home, whenever I'd go home to visit, he'd dance and sing his way over to me and continue his dance and song while he pinched my cheeks and kissed me.  He wouldn't talk about the "great war".

Thank you Poppy for your sacrifice.

• I'm thinking about Christmas -- not a lot yet, but I'm beginning my thought-organization process:  letter writing, card addressing, gift wrapping, who I've still to buy for.  If I organize my schedule, I find I have time to enjoy the other wonderful things that pre-Christmas has to offer.

• I'm thinking of sleep.  Gaining an hour is great when you're young.  If you're like most post-menopausal women my age, you wake at the same time; so readjusting to the time change is a sleepy pain in the butt.

I wanted to fall back into bed.

• I'm thinking of lunch.  I've got half an hour to go:  I've packed  homemade beet salad, coleslaw and a mini-slider; dessert is Difuku, a Japanese sweet rice ball -- sweet red bean paste encased in pink-colored sweetened rice.  (Very tasty .... and I've talked myself into believing that it's not dessert at all but a very nutritious "ending" to my meal.)

And that's what I'm thinking.  Gotta go.  It's almost time for lunch!

What's on your mind?